introvert under construction

I'm an introvert.  Most of my realness lives inside my heart and head.  The external is very much separate from how I view life.  I thrive on structure and at the same time struggle with monotony.  I create boundaries just to see how close I can get without crossing the line.  I get overwhelmed easily from sensory interactions of smell, sound, and touch, but hate to miss out on the full immersed experience. I love to show people they are valued and loved and at the same time I need my quiet times to decompress and sort out all the activity I've experienced, and to defuse the swirling thoughts.





I'm a bit of an oxymoron. While I know my needs to recharge comprise of alone time, I also am an adventurer. I love to try new experiences- in food, travel, and meeting new friends whilst learning about this world and it's peoples.  In all, I'm a walking contradiction.  It's not my intention to frustrate those who need categories, as I seem to fit into some of typical categorical boxes.



In a lot of instances, I'm not an "either this or that."  I'm both.  I was raised where my individuality thrived.  I could climb trees in the same t-shirt and shorts as my brothers then turn around the same day and dress up for a tea party with my dolls.  I was both Tomboy and Princess.  I still wear coveralls and gloves to change my car's oil and turn around (after getting cleaned up) gussy myself up with high heels and war-paint red lipstick. The multi-facets of myself I'm becoming to be comfortable with have me thinking and realizing that this may not be a unique circumstance.  I bet there are many who feel scattered into many ideals and roles. 


For me it has been annoying to feel like you can't fit in completely.  At times I have taken this thought to mean I am incomplete in a lot of sense.  The wrestling of this incomplete feeling has me thinking that what is completeness?  Is it ear marking achievements in education or career?  Is it marking off bucket list items?  Is it joining my life to other's? Is it even accomplished within the human lifespan?  No- it's realizing that I'm a finite being wrapped around eternity. Life is short for us humans, and there is a desire in most of us for that more; that missing part that will culminate all the trial, error and adventure to the finish line.




I've come to not loathe the incompleteness.  Took a while wrestling with perfectionism, but grace continues to help me realize the growth process.  The "not yet" is an okay place to be.  I think it's part of most of the human story that many leave unacknowledged.  I tried to fight it, ignore it and eventually have made friends with the "not there yet" essence in life.  I've come to love it at times.  Because it means- I'm not finished yet.  I have room to grow.  To be made better (hopefully), is the perspective.  I'll never be perfect, but the pursuit to that more, better self is a beautiful, hard, and amazing journey worth taking.  I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone.  I have my faith, My God, to guide and lead me.  I have a wonderful support system in friends and family that are my loved ones who speak correction and encouragement to me.  I've invited others into this life long project- which has blessed my heart to such levels. 


I am truly blessed, not perfect or complete yet.  And it's beautiful, I know because I am striving to be who I was designed to be.  The designer of my soul, the One who wove me into being, calls me Beloved.  I am delightful in my imperfection.  I am being made better each day I grow in faith and fight the lies and anxiety of this life time.  I'll get there.  I'll revel in the renovations of my heart.  I'll celebrate being remade and reconstructed, as God does for each of us.

The love wheel

Used to think love could be and had to be categorized. How one should rank most important resembled the old elementary food pyramid. Except my concept had God at the top trickling down to family, friends, others and then myself at the very bottom. I've realized this is a huge misconception in the big picture of life.











I am by no means a theologian or any way trained in the seminary terminology of faith and doctrine.    But it doesn't mean I don't have an insight to share what was an important epiphany in my walk with God, if it will save any from heart ache and disillusionment for someone else.   There's my disclaimer.








There is something to the self-love trend happening currently in my culture.  It is freely coined for taking care of one's needs in the scope of life amongst all the chaos that can ensue. Not suppressing or dismissing them as less meaningful is the terminology I see the true definition as.  The best example is used on an airplane.  If you've had the opportunity to fly, you know the shpeal- the flight attendants go over the safety instructions by pointing towards the exits, demonstrating how to secure your belt, and emphasize the important steps to utilizing the air masks in case of an emergency. You have to first put on yours before you can help someone else put on theirs.






You have to take care of yourself as well so you are equipped to take care of another.  You can't give what you don't have.  An empty cup can not pour into another.  So in a lot of sense if you are empty of crucial components- mentally, emotionally, and most importantly to me, spiritually; then you're limited in how you can respond to others in need. 




To return to the skewed love pyramid theory- I think the shape is inadequate and tends to top heavy in application.  Now the symbolic shape I've come to recognize, resembles for me, more like a wheel.  With God at the center and all the spokes leveled with everyone circling and moving from the hub, all supported from the center.  My family, my friends, my church, my co-workers, my enemies, strangers and myself are on an even level.  No one is more or less on the grace meter from the center.  Now I'll admit there are some spokes (folks using the wheel illustration still) that are closer to me than others.  The tribe we are born into (family), the tribe we can decide (friends), and those beyond the closeness we create.  Despite relationship bonds - I am called to love each of my neighbors as myself. 


Now am I capable of having the same familiarity and confidence I have with those I've cultivated relationship over the years?  No, but I am to acknowledge the stranger.  Recognize this individual is a beloved of God, the same as me.  If I don't recognize that truth- that I, too, am beloved; it is difficult to relay that message to another.  Consoling words will be little better than ash in one's mouth. It makes one a hypocrite.  Either "they are more deserving than me" or "I am better them" mind-set, diminishes the grace and mercy gifted.  It shortens the scope, the purpose of all God has done for all and each of us.

I'll end with learning how God looks at me with love has helped me immensely to see others for more than just their words and actions.  It's humbled me.  Love doesn't involve a despite clause with God.  He loves first.  Does He like everything done or condone each free choice made by his Beloved?  No.  This world created has cause and effect laws that flows over to human choice and consequence.  But- that doesn't stop his love for me, or any; the drastic measure has been made to accomplish both justice and mercy found in Jesus. 


For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,  nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39


I embrace that truth.  I've had to wrestle with self-doubt and perfectionism to try to be good enough to earn such a love.  The Lord has at times gently taught or face palmed me with this big picture truth.  His love isn't dulled out according to us.  There are no favorites.  We are loved abundantly, and beyond our own finite comprehension. God doesn't love more or less.  He simply loves.  He offers it.  His love is more.  His love makes me more.  Accepting that love makes me more: more patient, more empathetic, more forgiving, and more like the one who gave that Love. Through that love, I am made into love that can be shared.  More love to send around the other spokes in the love circle. 

The big picture part 1- reaction versus response

A lot of the time we want the picture perfect  happy ending, but (for me I'm admitting to myself) I get ahead and buy the frame for the big picture- only to find it doesn't fit. The big picture involves so much more than me and what I can contribute; it's honestly not in my control. The complexities interacting with surrounding people and events in our lives- just simply make it impossible to know how it's all going to end. And I kinda hate that.





I'm not a fan of the unknown.  It, at times, bewilders and overcomes my natural inclination to have my boxes lined up, have all my ducks in a row, to be as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared as possible. I'm not a pessimist but am a "hope for the best- plan for the worst" kinda of person.  Both a romantic and a realist, has been an unacknowledged struggle inside myself for as long as I could over think things. I'm neurotic.  I struggle with perfectionism and idealism.  I got a mess of an anxious heart more than I like to admit. But amongst the tumble of emotions and thoughts, I've learned some things.


Events happen and people grow and time changes much.  All beyond me at times and that's ok.  I get to choose how I move from the initial onslaught. My first reaction tends to be: wanting to run away screaming and hiding (all done internally of course.) I then have learned that my anxiety can be safely dispelled by then making a conscious decision to first admit to myself what I am feeling.  To allow myself to feel is a conscious process because for a long time I viewed emotions as inferior and nuisance-some.  Which contradicts my personality- as I am a highly moody, emotionally driven individual and for years denying that important aspect of myself took a toll.  Acknowledging those emotions are so important now in my process for having a much healthier response to life.
Even though my emotions tend to be reactionary- unprecedented and unplanned, they are important. They need to be recognized because ignoring them doesn't make them go away but eventually build up till the pressure under the surface bursts forth with volcanic velocity from what seems unrelated to the immediate situation.  Emotions become heavy baggage we struggle to conceal and carry and end up dropping, spilling out that dirty laundry. With that prefaced, emotions should not have all the say.  Emotions are great and make-up a prominent part of the human pycho/social world- but they are limited to both the wielder and perceiver.
But my initial reaction, does not have to be my response.  After a lot of therapy and self work with Jesus- I am capable of dissecting my reaction or initial emotions and then disseminating my response based on more than just "how I am feeling."  I heard it best in this "emotions are the indicators of the how I'm perceiving the situation (this does not seem safe, or this makes me angry, ect.)- however they do not necessarily get to be the dictators of it." 
As important it is to recognize the effects a situation or person is having on one's self, we are meant to learn to find appropriate ways to communicate our views.  Thinking back on the stages I've grown through from adolescence to adulthood, I shake my head as it has taken me up to now to get what I hope is a better grasp how this is meant to function.  Those periods shape and mold how I interacted with others- from examples at home, from the school yard, from personal relations- I picked up both good and bad habits. I mimicked and I tried to anticipate the expectations of those around me to create a harmonious relationship.  I've learned that my own harmony has just as much credence as others. 
That big picture encompasses myself as well others in the scheme of things, and for a long time I diminished my role in it to sacrifice for the better good.  My thoughts, my feelings, and my perspective matter. It's up to me to express them to others.  Taking ownership of that was at first intimidating but has become empowering and freeing over the past years. I am responsible for my response.  No one can "make me" feel, think or be a certain way.  There is still a struggle at times to share those parts of my heart and mind with others, but I am continually learning new healthy ways to be a better functioning adult and unlearning those low self esteem coping measures.  I can't change what may be going on the rest of this life on canvas- but I can be honest with myself, accountable, self-aware, and a little more self assured in this masterpiece of everyday moments.


“Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.” --Maggie Kuhn


 

Music- a few of my favorite things

It's been a while since I posted- close to over a year actually.  Last was from an honest place, slightly dark- but at least honest.  From there I have taken steps to better tackle my emotions- mostly depression.  It's an ongoing process for me as I have come to realize that I have high functioning anxiety- always have and always will.  A lot of soul searching, some therapy and medication have helped me work through some of the issues that were burdening my heart and mind. There have been tons of Jesus and me talks and through one of them I felt the need to focus on things that brought me peace and joy.  One of them is music.  I'm a bit of an eclectic person when it comes to music- it's kinda ridiculous the thirty odd iheart radio stations I flip to and from through out my day.  Music is a soul soother in a way that it can enhance or help adjust my moods.  So I hope to start periodically sharing some of the lessons I have and continue to learn on something I have been calling #chasingjoy.  I'm not sure what that is going to look like or grow into but it's something I'm finally ready to try a whack at sharing. To start here is a list of some of my favorite singers/bands that gave my perfectionist side such glee to alphabetize!  See if we match up on a few and if you come across one you don't know- recommend finding a song or two and maybe you'll discover a new tune that brings a smile to your heart.  Or maybe you know of a singer/band that has X- I haven't come across one yet that I like that I can add to my list.  Enjoy!


A:        Aretha Franklin

            Audio Slave

            AFI

B:        Pat Benatar

            The Beach Boys

            The Black Keys

C:        Credence Clearwater Revival

            Johnnie Cash

            Chopin

D:        Daft Punk

            Death Cab for Cutie

            Duke Ellington

E:         The Everly Brothers

            Elvis Presley

            Evanescence

F:         Ella Fitzgerald

            Florence and the Machine

            Foo Fighters

G:        Goo Goo Dolls

            Gwen Stefani

            Gorillaz

H:        He is We

            Harry Connick Jr

            Hank Williams Jr

I:          Imelda Mays

            Icubus

            Ingrid Michaelson

J:         Billie Joel

            Michael Jackson

            Jewel

K:        Alicia Keys

            For King and Country

            Kaleo

L:         Lifehouse

            Lenny Kravitz

            Lindsey Sterling

M:       Mozart

            John Mellencamp

            Muse

N:        No Doubt

            Nora Jones

            Need to Breathe

O:        The Offspring         

            Brian Setzer Orchestra

            Roy Orbison

P:        Plumb

            Patsy Cline

            Powerman 500

Q:        Queen

R:        Rufus

            Red Hot Chili Peppers

            Rachel Platten

S:         Santana

            Sarah Bareillies

            Sugarcult

T:         Rob Thomas

            Tchaikovsky

            The Ting Tings

U:        U2

            Carrie Underwood

            Keith Urban

V:        Jaci Valasquez

            Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

            Ritchie Valens

W:       Amy Winehouse

            Walk The Moon

            Stevie Wonder

X:        ?

Y:         Young the Giant

            Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs

Z:         ZZ Top

            Rob Zombie

            Led Zeppelin

 

               

               

in the storm

I am trying to be more honest lately.  To others and to myself.  Which is so difficult as it feels like being vulnerable and open to pain without any true guarantees of getting what you desire and hope for.  That's the thing though, even if you do everything right and believe you've avoided the wrongs- still no guarantees, still the unknown awaiting.

Maybe that's why storms are so scary at times.  Weather can't be controlled and only fairly predicted.  Tornadoes don't care if you're at church or in a strip club.  Thunder roars in the ear of the bigot and the saint.  Rain falls on the just and unjust.

Storms bring to my mind tumultuous clarity of what little we can do to change the direction and severity - both in nature and at times in our lives, circumstances beyond our control.  I am trying to figure out whether my own personal storm has passed yet or if I am getting momentary breaks in between thunder and lightning.  I am wondering if I am pushing too early to venture into flooded areas too deep to cross or hunkering down in the basement after the all clear has been announced.  I thought I was doing everything right.  I really believed it was a guarantee to success in my marriage, in my love, in my work, in my life.  Then the storm hit and I lost all the protection fabricated out of those false hopes.  The illusion that "doing right and being right" somehow protected me from such catastrophes proved to be no more than fragile charms and unrealistic perceptions of people and situations...

I began to write this so many months ago- to pour out the bombardment of the shock from circumstances that recently happened in my life.  The loss love, rejection, and abandonment were the external sources raging about, shaking every notion, perception and faith I had in everyone and everything.

But I'm recognizing that the sky has clear days, and I'm beginning to see the light illuminating the aftermath and the possibilities. That's right- I'm rediscovering hope and joy in the midst of the horrendous destruction of the life I had tried to create. I am unlearning and discovering so much. And despite the emotional turmoil, the still unforeseen future; I am grateful for it.

Everything that was shook loose or washed away, left me with the bare bones. The hidden and buried became unearthed; the clutter and unimportant were swept violently from my grasp. It was just me, my thoughts, my feelings and my beliefs. All were naked, raw, but for what had been a long time- were real. Real honest. Honest about the pain, the fears, the confusion. I didn't have it together and I needed to stop trying so hard to fix a mess that wasn't mine to begin with. I'm continuing to unlearn lessons that have were imposed (majority by myself) and walk by faith, in grace towards healing.

It's isn't easy. I have and am at times barely able to breathe from heartache and unresolved emotions still swirling around in my heart and mind. And when I can't move another inch, or look ahead towards the next moment with any hope: I get carried. It may sound a bit clique perhaps, but for me, it's truth. I get carried by Love. 

A love who sees me whether I am on the mountain top clouds or covered in the valley's murky mud and still calls me beloved. A love that has whispered to my heart that I am precious and am here for a purpose. A love that resets the parts that I tried to mend improperly but without condemnation, only compassion. Love that shares in my sorrows- catching each tear drop; and sings in my joys- dancing with me.

Storms- still give the first impression of foreboding and ominous darkness approaching. But I'm learning storms can actually bring change and renewal; washing away the rummage and saturating the parched areas. I am accepting that these dry bones of my heart and emotions need revived- and can only be quenched from a deluge of love and truth. So I am at times clinging to my Jesus in the storm, but I am not dancing alone in the rain. This is only a season and its alright if I am unsure of when it will end. 

"After rain there's a rainbow

After a storm there's calm

After the night there's a morning,

And after an ending is a new beginning"

-Unknown 

The four letter "L" word

 It's the question and the answer. Everyone wants to find it, understand and share it. That's the whole point of our existence in fact.

The quest is to first understand this concept. This intangible, complex yet simple understanding that we are made from love to love. We are meant to learn what love is. Learn what it is in order to accept it and then turn around and share it. 

But somehow somewhere along the way in life- some of us simply get it wrong. Honestly I'm speaking mostly about myself and assume (believe and sadly know) I am not alone in the misconstrued view of the four letter "L" word. Unfortunately life at times make it difficult to discern what love is truly meant to be when we have received so much hurt and damage from those riding under a false banner of care. People who are suppose to love us- don't or can't. And it's hard to say why or really reason- but the end result is the same- hurt with wounds that can take long to heal and sometimes leave scars. Love in the realm of flesh and blood will fail for the simple fact the source from we humans alone is limited, conditional, and imperfect. 

The desire and hope for this true love in a imperfect, fallen world seems so counter intuitive to the natural instinct of defensiveness and self preservation.  What is it that causes the heart to yearn?  The want to be pursued, admired, and accepted wholly is the inclination of every person in every relationship.  Yet- we know the impossibility and limited faculties available within ourselves and others.  So why is it there in the first place?

I feel that there is something else stitched within us that makes life more than the avoidance of tragedy and becoming broken-hearted. Almost no other term comes to mind but a "divine spark." Existing in every heart, at every stage in life is the longing of the heart to be fulfilled.  From the seeking of approval and acceptance from those who raise us, the hope that we'll get chosen and deemed worthy on the school grounds, the primping in front of the mirror to garner the view we wish to be perceived, to the the needs of affirmation that we are indeed cherished and viewed as lovable- all are fractals of a whole not able to be found in the human heart alone.  This divine spark- this yearning and longing for true love- can only be discovered in the originator of the spark.  It is meant to point us back to the Divine- the Creator of the human heart.

The original design of the human heart- was to possess a desire to be with God.  The design is not flawed- but we are prone to deviating from it.  The perfect love desired can only be found from Love.

 

"...God is love..." 1 John 4:8 & 16

 

I am just beginning to get a glimpse of this truth.  God is love- the good kind of the love.  The unblemished, incorruptible, and selfless kind.  The one of which hope and unexpected impossibilities coming true is based off of.  It's the inclination that all hearts desire but honestly lack to accomplish on a consistent basis.

 

" Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

 

I'm re-learning love: what it means really and most importantly who it comes from.  I want to know more and never stop discovering love.  To do that I have to accept this love, this amazing, mind-blowing belief that God created me to love me.  The hand that created galaxies- thought there needed to be a me in this world at this time. It's my prayer that as I'm questing to understand and apply God's love- that I will become an instrument to share it.  Whether it be in these rambling posts, through the sharing of baked good and hugs, or other devices to create connections with other hearts searching for "true love-" I want to be able to show them mine.  I'm praying to be given eyes to see myself as God does, to acquire the ability to love myself that way and others despite the wrong turns, the mistakes, and heart breaks I've experienced.  My love story isn't over- in fact it is one that I know ends happily ever after with my True Love. 

 

 

Love works magic.  It is the final purpose of the world story, the Amen of the universe

Novalis