I have a revelation a few weeks ago. Let me explain. I have been trying to get back to reading my bible more often (more than just Sundays when the pastor is giving his sermon points). I picked up where I had broken off and to my delight I am in the books of Psalms. Reading words penned by King David always makes my heart flutter a little. A good portion of my favorite hymns are inspired if not taken verbatim from some of the most beautiful verses. Truly emotional and soulful words.
Thinking upon that and reading some of the Psalms made me think how Kind David was a man after God's own heart. And for the initial understanding of this, I thought it meant he was similar in his desire as the same as God's- striving for holiness and righteousness. But then I thought of another interpretation. Something that now makes just as much sense and beauty as the first.
King David was literally seeking and chasing after God's heart! Reading the Psalms are like peeking into love letters he wrote to God. Can you imagine being so enamored and fully in love to be inspired to spout off poetry or sing at the top of your lungs? God did that to David. And what's amazing still- we do that to God! That's what it's all about isn't it? Pursuing God's love and immersing ourselves entirely into knowing and loving Him.
"Lord help me to be after Your heart continually and write the words to our Love song- Amen"
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
talking to myself
Had a crazy interesting thought today: What would a conversation with my younger self be like? I know not highly original, but bear with me. You know how there have been songs, stories and even movies about going into the past to change something about your past. This coupled with a reoccurring slogan of "be someone who you would like to meet", got me thinking. How would me 10 year old self view me as I am now? And thus begins this imaginary conversation in my head.
I see myself back then- with an infectious shy smile, big stringy bangs and freckles, wearing skinny jeans (before they had that title- they were just jeans) and some baggy t-shirt with geometric design and matching head band (a must have back then). Me now- I lost the bangs, but still have the freckles but a more feminine smile. My hair pulled back with a pom in the front, wearing office attire of pin-striped capri's, white sleeveless blouse and black strappy heels with matching belt. I will have to start as I know 10 year old me is a little shy.
"Hi" I smile.
"...Hi. Do I know you?"
"Not yet, but I know you. I'm you in 17 years."
The 10 year old's mouth drops open as she blinks the surprise from her eyes. "Nuh-hun, that's impossible! I can't look like that! You have glasses and your hair is darker....and...and..."
"I'm you. I know how you got that scar on your pointer finger cutting carrots to make stone soup in preschool. I know all the names of your hook-ums stuffed animals and what happened to the squirrel one. I know how you feel about bugs, and spiders and the dark, how they frighten you. I know because I'm you. Just older, just grown up." I wait for the truth to sink in.
After the initial shock subsides, she gives me a quizzical look, "Ok. You're me. So what are you doing here?"
"I want to know if you like me. If you like who you're going to be."
"That's sort of a strange thing to wonder about. But OK. Share some stuff about you, I mean us, I mean me....this is real-ly weird."
"What sort of stuff? I can't tell you everything, you know. I don't want to ruin all the fun new things awaiting you."
"How about your favorite color? Is it still purple-pink? You can answer that, can't ya?"
"I still like pink. It is one of my favorites. I also still like purple."
"Uh-huh, what's your favorite thing to do?"
"I still like to draw, also painting" I wink, "you know art stuff. And reading. I love a good book."
A cynical look crosses the 10 year old me's face, "Why would you want to read- does someone force you to do it? I hate to read."
"I know that's not true. You just have a hard time reading right now. Don't worry you'll get better at it and discover the how far your imagination can take you with words. You'll see." I give a reassuring pat to her skinny shoulder. In return her eyebrows come out of their furrow.
"I don't know what else to ask. I think you look pretty though. I never imagined myself looking like you do. I like your glasses too. They'd be better if they were purple-pink." she peruses my face and her eyes get a twinkle of excitement when she notices my earrings. "I guess I get my ears pierced in the future too!"
"Yes," I touch one of the tangles, "we do and we learn a thing or two along the way."
"What do we learn?"
"I can't tell you. But you'll find out soon enough. are you sure there's not anything else you want to know- that I can tell you?"
Giving what she must think is her most grown up look, she taps her chin a moment then stares me square in the face, "Are you happy?"
I try to calculate such a profound question from a 10 year old version of myself, but before I can give an answer she continues, "Because I don't know what's going to happen and you won't tell me, but as long as there is some happiness in our life- I think I could like about anything."
"There are many happy moments. Too many to number. So yes, I would say I am happy."
"OK. Well, I'm going to go play outside now. Bye" She runs off to go climb trees and pretend to be a character from her favorite cartoon.
We are more than we could've imagined in our past. We must not let the present cloud the future hopes and dreams or obscure the past lessons learned. I think my 10 year old self would be both shocked and amazed to know what is ahead of her and who she becomes. The 27 year old version is still discovering, dreaming and doing more than I could've believed.
"Lord let me see myself through your eyes and who you created me to be- Amen."
I see myself back then- with an infectious shy smile, big stringy bangs and freckles, wearing skinny jeans (before they had that title- they were just jeans) and some baggy t-shirt with geometric design and matching head band (a must have back then). Me now- I lost the bangs, but still have the freckles but a more feminine smile. My hair pulled back with a pom in the front, wearing office attire of pin-striped capri's, white sleeveless blouse and black strappy heels with matching belt. I will have to start as I know 10 year old me is a little shy.
"Hi" I smile.
"...Hi. Do I know you?"
"Not yet, but I know you. I'm you in 17 years."
The 10 year old's mouth drops open as she blinks the surprise from her eyes. "Nuh-hun, that's impossible! I can't look like that! You have glasses and your hair is darker....and...and..."
"I'm you. I know how you got that scar on your pointer finger cutting carrots to make stone soup in preschool. I know all the names of your hook-ums stuffed animals and what happened to the squirrel one. I know how you feel about bugs, and spiders and the dark, how they frighten you. I know because I'm you. Just older, just grown up." I wait for the truth to sink in.
After the initial shock subsides, she gives me a quizzical look, "Ok. You're me. So what are you doing here?"
"I want to know if you like me. If you like who you're going to be."
"That's sort of a strange thing to wonder about. But OK. Share some stuff about you, I mean us, I mean me....this is real-ly weird."
"What sort of stuff? I can't tell you everything, you know. I don't want to ruin all the fun new things awaiting you."
"How about your favorite color? Is it still purple-pink? You can answer that, can't ya?"
"I still like pink. It is one of my favorites. I also still like purple."
"Uh-huh, what's your favorite thing to do?"
"I still like to draw, also painting" I wink, "you know art stuff. And reading. I love a good book."
A cynical look crosses the 10 year old me's face, "Why would you want to read- does someone force you to do it? I hate to read."
"I know that's not true. You just have a hard time reading right now. Don't worry you'll get better at it and discover the how far your imagination can take you with words. You'll see." I give a reassuring pat to her skinny shoulder. In return her eyebrows come out of their furrow.
"I don't know what else to ask. I think you look pretty though. I never imagined myself looking like you do. I like your glasses too. They'd be better if they were purple-pink." she peruses my face and her eyes get a twinkle of excitement when she notices my earrings. "I guess I get my ears pierced in the future too!"
"Yes," I touch one of the tangles, "we do and we learn a thing or two along the way."
"What do we learn?"
"I can't tell you. But you'll find out soon enough. are you sure there's not anything else you want to know- that I can tell you?"
Giving what she must think is her most grown up look, she taps her chin a moment then stares me square in the face, "Are you happy?"
I try to calculate such a profound question from a 10 year old version of myself, but before I can give an answer she continues, "Because I don't know what's going to happen and you won't tell me, but as long as there is some happiness in our life- I think I could like about anything."
"There are many happy moments. Too many to number. So yes, I would say I am happy."
"OK. Well, I'm going to go play outside now. Bye" She runs off to go climb trees and pretend to be a character from her favorite cartoon.
We are more than we could've imagined in our past. We must not let the present cloud the future hopes and dreams or obscure the past lessons learned. I think my 10 year old self would be both shocked and amazed to know what is ahead of her and who she becomes. The 27 year old version is still discovering, dreaming and doing more than I could've believed.
"Lord let me see myself through your eyes and who you created me to be- Amen."
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Swimming Lessons
I have been called out of the shallows
Beckoned into the Deep
But I hesitate
Not out of fear of drowning but of not knowing how to swim
Oh goodness...it's been a while. Recently my abandoned blog has been brought to my attention. I know every housewife, parent, married/single person has a blog out there today. I don't deem my words more enlightening or awe inspiring than any other. But that doesn't mean that some random person ma not find something worth gleaning from. I am beginning to learn a few things about myself. I am horribly introvert, but artistically thoughtful. Thus my need to find a way to express myself and my struggles to do so. The pen (or this case keyboard) is a wonderful tool to use to counter balance this. I also have things to share. I've lived a little, I've learned some stuff. Someone someday may find a little worth out of my ramblings. So I intend to share. Whether the world is interested or not is to be seen.
I have hidden out in the shallow end of the pool too long. In my spiritual life that is. The Lord has been beckoning my to go deeper in my relationship. I gulp. You mean head towards the deep end? Sounds a little risky and I am a safety first, wall hugger at heart. The Lord also knows this. I know I make him chuckle and shake his head at me and my short sightedness. He won't force me. He won't nag me. He won't condemn me if I stay in the kiddy side of the pool of life. He will love me still. But He will offer me encouragement. He will show me what it can be like on the deep end, what I could be missing. He will wait for me. He will never stop calling me out to more risk, yes, but greater, rewarding relationship.
Thus my poem. That little five lines at the top. I am afraid of failure and disappointing others. Some of it is a little trauma induced, some a little self inflicted. But I know where I can be healed and made whole. The getting there is what I am trying to figure out. But not on my own! Oh no! I am terrible at directions (just ask anyone who been on the receiving end of my landmark no street name ways of driving!) But I know where to look and Who to guide me. I know I am in no way ready for the Olympic size pool of spirituality. But I think I have pushed off the shallow end side wall and started a decent doggy-paddle.
"Lord let me continue on this journey of discovering You more- Amen."
Beckoned into the Deep
But I hesitate
Not out of fear of drowning but of not knowing how to swim
Oh goodness...it's been a while. Recently my abandoned blog has been brought to my attention. I know every housewife, parent, married/single person has a blog out there today. I don't deem my words more enlightening or awe inspiring than any other. But that doesn't mean that some random person ma not find something worth gleaning from. I am beginning to learn a few things about myself. I am horribly introvert, but artistically thoughtful. Thus my need to find a way to express myself and my struggles to do so. The pen (or this case keyboard) is a wonderful tool to use to counter balance this. I also have things to share. I've lived a little, I've learned some stuff. Someone someday may find a little worth out of my ramblings. So I intend to share. Whether the world is interested or not is to be seen.
I have hidden out in the shallow end of the pool too long. In my spiritual life that is. The Lord has been beckoning my to go deeper in my relationship. I gulp. You mean head towards the deep end? Sounds a little risky and I am a safety first, wall hugger at heart. The Lord also knows this. I know I make him chuckle and shake his head at me and my short sightedness. He won't force me. He won't nag me. He won't condemn me if I stay in the kiddy side of the pool of life. He will love me still. But He will offer me encouragement. He will show me what it can be like on the deep end, what I could be missing. He will wait for me. He will never stop calling me out to more risk, yes, but greater, rewarding relationship.
Thus my poem. That little five lines at the top. I am afraid of failure and disappointing others. Some of it is a little trauma induced, some a little self inflicted. But I know where I can be healed and made whole. The getting there is what I am trying to figure out. But not on my own! Oh no! I am terrible at directions (just ask anyone who been on the receiving end of my landmark no street name ways of driving!) But I know where to look and Who to guide me. I know I am in no way ready for the Olympic size pool of spirituality. But I think I have pushed off the shallow end side wall and started a decent doggy-paddle.
"Lord let me continue on this journey of discovering You more- Amen."
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