A lot of the time we want the picture perfect happy ending, but (for me I'm admitting to myself) I get ahead and buy the frame for the big picture- only to find it doesn't fit. The big picture involves so much more than me and what I can contribute; it's honestly not in my control. The complexities interacting with surrounding people and events in our lives- just simply make it impossible to know how it's all going to end. And I kinda hate that.
I'm not a fan of the unknown. It, at times, bewilders and overcomes my natural inclination to have my boxes lined up, have all my ducks in a row, to be as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared as possible. I'm not a pessimist but am a "hope for the best- plan for the worst" kinda of person. Both a romantic and a realist, has been an unacknowledged struggle inside myself for as long as I could over think things. I'm neurotic. I struggle with perfectionism and idealism. I got a mess of an anxious heart more than I like to admit. But amongst the tumble of emotions and thoughts, I've learned some things.
Events happen and people grow and time changes much. All beyond me at times and that's ok. I get to choose how I move from the initial onslaught. My first reaction tends to be: wanting to run away screaming and hiding (all done internally of course.) I then have learned that my anxiety can be safely dispelled by then making a conscious decision to first admit to myself what I am feeling. To allow myself to feel is a conscious process because for a long time I viewed emotions as inferior and nuisance-some. Which contradicts my personality- as I am a highly moody, emotionally driven individual and for years denying that important aspect of myself took a toll. Acknowledging those emotions are so important now in my process for having a much healthier response to life.
Even though my emotions tend to be reactionary- unprecedented and unplanned, they are important. They need to be recognized because ignoring them doesn't make them go away but eventually build up till the pressure under the surface bursts forth with volcanic velocity from what seems unrelated to the immediate situation. Emotions become heavy baggage we struggle to conceal and carry and end up dropping, spilling out that dirty laundry. With that prefaced, emotions should not have all the say. Emotions are great and make-up a prominent part of the human pycho/social world- but they are limited to both the wielder and perceiver.
But my initial reaction, does not have to be my response. After a lot of therapy and self work with Jesus- I am capable of dissecting my reaction or initial emotions and then disseminating my response based on more than just "how I am feeling." I heard it best in this "emotions are the indicators of the how I'm perceiving the situation (this does not seem safe, or this makes me angry, ect.)- however they do not necessarily get to be the dictators of it."
As important it is to recognize the effects a situation or person is having on one's self, we are meant to learn to find appropriate ways to communicate our views. Thinking back on the stages I've grown through from adolescence to adulthood, I shake my head as it has taken me up to now to get what I hope is a better grasp how this is meant to function. Those periods shape and mold how I interacted with others- from examples at home, from the school yard, from personal relations- I picked up both good and bad habits. I mimicked and I tried to anticipate the expectations of those around me to create a harmonious relationship. I've learned that my own harmony has just as much credence as others.
That big picture encompasses myself as well others in the scheme of things, and for a long time I diminished my role in it to sacrifice for the better good. My thoughts, my feelings, and my perspective matter. It's up to me to express them to others. Taking ownership of that was at first intimidating but has become empowering and freeing over the past years. I am responsible for my response. No one can "make me" feel, think or be a certain way. There is still a struggle at times to share those parts of my heart and mind with others, but I am continually learning new healthy ways to be a better functioning adult and unlearning those low self esteem coping measures. I can't change what may be going on the rest of this life on canvas- but I can be honest with myself, accountable, self-aware, and a little more self assured in this masterpiece of everyday moments.
“Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.” --Maggie Kuhn
I'm not a fan of the unknown. It, at times, bewilders and overcomes my natural inclination to have my boxes lined up, have all my ducks in a row, to be as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared as possible. I'm not a pessimist but am a "hope for the best- plan for the worst" kinda of person. Both a romantic and a realist, has been an unacknowledged struggle inside myself for as long as I could over think things. I'm neurotic. I struggle with perfectionism and idealism. I got a mess of an anxious heart more than I like to admit. But amongst the tumble of emotions and thoughts, I've learned some things.
Events happen and people grow and time changes much. All beyond me at times and that's ok. I get to choose how I move from the initial onslaught. My first reaction tends to be: wanting to run away screaming and hiding (all done internally of course.) I then have learned that my anxiety can be safely dispelled by then making a conscious decision to first admit to myself what I am feeling. To allow myself to feel is a conscious process because for a long time I viewed emotions as inferior and nuisance-some. Which contradicts my personality- as I am a highly moody, emotionally driven individual and for years denying that important aspect of myself took a toll. Acknowledging those emotions are so important now in my process for having a much healthier response to life.
Even though my emotions tend to be reactionary- unprecedented and unplanned, they are important. They need to be recognized because ignoring them doesn't make them go away but eventually build up till the pressure under the surface bursts forth with volcanic velocity from what seems unrelated to the immediate situation. Emotions become heavy baggage we struggle to conceal and carry and end up dropping, spilling out that dirty laundry. With that prefaced, emotions should not have all the say. Emotions are great and make-up a prominent part of the human pycho/social world- but they are limited to both the wielder and perceiver.
But my initial reaction, does not have to be my response. After a lot of therapy and self work with Jesus- I am capable of dissecting my reaction or initial emotions and then disseminating my response based on more than just "how I am feeling." I heard it best in this "emotions are the indicators of the how I'm perceiving the situation (this does not seem safe, or this makes me angry, ect.)- however they do not necessarily get to be the dictators of it."
As important it is to recognize the effects a situation or person is having on one's self, we are meant to learn to find appropriate ways to communicate our views. Thinking back on the stages I've grown through from adolescence to adulthood, I shake my head as it has taken me up to now to get what I hope is a better grasp how this is meant to function. Those periods shape and mold how I interacted with others- from examples at home, from the school yard, from personal relations- I picked up both good and bad habits. I mimicked and I tried to anticipate the expectations of those around me to create a harmonious relationship. I've learned that my own harmony has just as much credence as others.
That big picture encompasses myself as well others in the scheme of things, and for a long time I diminished my role in it to sacrifice for the better good. My thoughts, my feelings, and my perspective matter. It's up to me to express them to others. Taking ownership of that was at first intimidating but has become empowering and freeing over the past years. I am responsible for my response. No one can "make me" feel, think or be a certain way. There is still a struggle at times to share those parts of my heart and mind with others, but I am continually learning new healthy ways to be a better functioning adult and unlearning those low self esteem coping measures. I can't change what may be going on the rest of this life on canvas- but I can be honest with myself, accountable, self-aware, and a little more self assured in this masterpiece of everyday moments.
“Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.” --Maggie Kuhn
