I'm an introvert. Most of my realness lives inside my heart and head. The external is very much separate from how I view life. I thrive on structure and at the same time struggle with monotony. I create boundaries just to see how close I can get without crossing the line. I get overwhelmed easily from sensory interactions of smell, sound, and touch, but hate to miss out on the full immersed experience. I love to show people they are valued and loved and at the same time I need my quiet times to decompress and sort out all the activity I've experienced, and to defuse the swirling thoughts.
I'm a bit of an oxymoron. While I know my needs to recharge comprise of alone time, I also am an adventurer. I love to try new experiences- in food, travel, and meeting new friends whilst learning about this world and it's peoples. In all, I'm a walking contradiction. It's not my intention to frustrate those who need categories, as I seem to fit into some of typical categorical boxes.
In a lot of instances, I'm not an "either this or that." I'm both. I was raised where my individuality thrived. I could climb trees in the same t-shirt and shorts as my brothers then turn around the same day and dress up for a tea party with my dolls. I was both Tomboy and Princess. I still wear coveralls and gloves to change my car's oil and turn around (after getting cleaned up) gussy myself up with high heels and war-paint red lipstick. The multi-facets of myself I'm becoming to be comfortable with have me thinking and realizing that this may not be a unique circumstance. I bet there are many who feel scattered into many ideals and roles.
For me it has been annoying to feel like you can't fit in completely. At times I have taken this thought to mean I am incomplete in a lot of sense. The wrestling of this incomplete feeling has me thinking that what is completeness? Is it ear marking achievements in education or career? Is it marking off bucket list items? Is it joining my life to other's? Is it even accomplished within the human lifespan? No- it's realizing that I'm a finite being wrapped around eternity. Life is short for us humans, and there is a desire in most of us for that more; that missing part that will culminate all the trial, error and adventure to the finish line.
I've come to not loathe the incompleteness. Took a while wrestling with perfectionism, but grace continues to help me realize the growth process. The "not yet" is an okay place to be. I think it's part of most of the human story that many leave unacknowledged. I tried to fight it, ignore it and eventually have made friends with the "not there yet" essence in life. I've come to love it at times. Because it means- I'm not finished yet. I have room to grow. To be made better (hopefully), is the perspective. I'll never be perfect, but the pursuit to that more, better self is a beautiful, hard, and amazing journey worth taking. I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone. I have my faith, My God, to guide and lead me. I have a wonderful support system in friends and family that are my loved ones who speak correction and encouragement to me. I've invited others into this life long project- which has blessed my heart to such levels.
I am truly blessed, not perfect or complete yet. And it's beautiful, I know because I am striving to be who I was designed to be. The designer of my soul, the One who wove me into being, calls me Beloved. I am delightful in my imperfection. I am being made better each day I grow in faith and fight the lies and anxiety of this life time. I'll get there. I'll revel in the renovations of my heart. I'll celebrate being remade and reconstructed, as God does for each of us.
I'm a bit of an oxymoron. While I know my needs to recharge comprise of alone time, I also am an adventurer. I love to try new experiences- in food, travel, and meeting new friends whilst learning about this world and it's peoples. In all, I'm a walking contradiction. It's not my intention to frustrate those who need categories, as I seem to fit into some of typical categorical boxes.
In a lot of instances, I'm not an "either this or that." I'm both. I was raised where my individuality thrived. I could climb trees in the same t-shirt and shorts as my brothers then turn around the same day and dress up for a tea party with my dolls. I was both Tomboy and Princess. I still wear coveralls and gloves to change my car's oil and turn around (after getting cleaned up) gussy myself up with high heels and war-paint red lipstick. The multi-facets of myself I'm becoming to be comfortable with have me thinking and realizing that this may not be a unique circumstance. I bet there are many who feel scattered into many ideals and roles.
For me it has been annoying to feel like you can't fit in completely. At times I have taken this thought to mean I am incomplete in a lot of sense. The wrestling of this incomplete feeling has me thinking that what is completeness? Is it ear marking achievements in education or career? Is it marking off bucket list items? Is it joining my life to other's? Is it even accomplished within the human lifespan? No- it's realizing that I'm a finite being wrapped around eternity. Life is short for us humans, and there is a desire in most of us for that more; that missing part that will culminate all the trial, error and adventure to the finish line.
I've come to not loathe the incompleteness. Took a while wrestling with perfectionism, but grace continues to help me realize the growth process. The "not yet" is an okay place to be. I think it's part of most of the human story that many leave unacknowledged. I tried to fight it, ignore it and eventually have made friends with the "not there yet" essence in life. I've come to love it at times. Because it means- I'm not finished yet. I have room to grow. To be made better (hopefully), is the perspective. I'll never be perfect, but the pursuit to that more, better self is a beautiful, hard, and amazing journey worth taking. I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone. I have my faith, My God, to guide and lead me. I have a wonderful support system in friends and family that are my loved ones who speak correction and encouragement to me. I've invited others into this life long project- which has blessed my heart to such levels.
I am truly blessed, not perfect or complete yet. And it's beautiful, I know because I am striving to be who I was designed to be. The designer of my soul, the One who wove me into being, calls me Beloved. I am delightful in my imperfection. I am being made better each day I grow in faith and fight the lies and anxiety of this life time. I'll get there. I'll revel in the renovations of my heart. I'll celebrate being remade and reconstructed, as God does for each of us.
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