I am trying to be more honest lately. To others and to myself. Which is so difficult as it feels like being vulnerable and open to pain without any true guarantees of getting what you desire and hope for. That's the thing though, even if you do everything right and believe you've avoided the wrongs- still no guarantees, still the unknown awaiting.
Maybe that's why storms are so scary at times. Weather can't be controlled and only fairly predicted. Tornadoes don't care if you're at church or in a strip club. Thunder roars in the ear of the bigot and the saint. Rain falls on the just and unjust.
Storms bring to my mind tumultuous clarity of what little we can do to change the direction and severity - both in nature and at times in our lives, circumstances beyond our control. I am trying to figure out whether my own personal storm has passed yet or if I am getting momentary breaks in between thunder and lightning. I am wondering if I am pushing too early to venture into flooded areas too deep to cross or hunkering down in the basement after the all clear has been announced. I thought I was doing everything right. I really believed it was a guarantee to success in my marriage, in my love, in my work, in my life. Then the storm hit and I lost all the protection fabricated out of those false hopes. The illusion that "doing right and being right" somehow protected me from such catastrophes proved to be no more than fragile charms and unrealistic perceptions of people and situations...
I began to write this so many months ago- to pour out the bombardment of the shock from circumstances that recently happened in my life. The loss love, rejection, and abandonment were the external sources raging about, shaking every notion, perception and faith I had in everyone and everything.
Maybe that's why storms are so scary at times. Weather can't be controlled and only fairly predicted. Tornadoes don't care if you're at church or in a strip club. Thunder roars in the ear of the bigot and the saint. Rain falls on the just and unjust.
Storms bring to my mind tumultuous clarity of what little we can do to change the direction and severity - both in nature and at times in our lives, circumstances beyond our control. I am trying to figure out whether my own personal storm has passed yet or if I am getting momentary breaks in between thunder and lightning. I am wondering if I am pushing too early to venture into flooded areas too deep to cross or hunkering down in the basement after the all clear has been announced. I thought I was doing everything right. I really believed it was a guarantee to success in my marriage, in my love, in my work, in my life. Then the storm hit and I lost all the protection fabricated out of those false hopes. The illusion that "doing right and being right" somehow protected me from such catastrophes proved to be no more than fragile charms and unrealistic perceptions of people and situations...
I began to write this so many months ago- to pour out the bombardment of the shock from circumstances that recently happened in my life. The loss love, rejection, and abandonment were the external sources raging about, shaking every notion, perception and faith I had in everyone and everything.
But I'm recognizing that the sky has clear days, and I'm beginning to see the light illuminating the aftermath and the possibilities. That's right- I'm rediscovering hope and joy in the midst of the horrendous destruction of the life I had tried to create. I am unlearning and discovering so much. And despite the emotional turmoil, the still unforeseen future; I am grateful for it.
Everything that was shook loose or washed away, left me with the bare bones. The hidden and buried became unearthed; the clutter and unimportant were swept violently from my grasp. It was just me, my thoughts, my feelings and my beliefs. All were naked, raw, but for what had been a long time- were real. Real honest. Honest about the pain, the fears, the confusion. I didn't have it together and I needed to stop trying so hard to fix a mess that wasn't mine to begin with. I'm continuing to unlearn lessons that have were imposed (majority by myself) and walk by faith, in grace towards healing.
It's isn't easy. I have and am at times barely able to breathe from heartache and unresolved emotions still swirling around in my heart and mind. And when I can't move another inch, or look ahead towards the next moment with any hope: I get carried. It may sound a bit clique perhaps, but for me, it's truth. I get carried by Love.
A love who sees me whether I am on the mountain top clouds or covered in the valley's murky mud and still calls me beloved. A love that has whispered to my heart that I am precious and am here for a purpose. A love that resets the parts that I tried to mend improperly but without condemnation, only compassion. Love that shares in my sorrows- catching each tear drop; and sings in my joys- dancing with me.
Storms- still give the first impression of foreboding and ominous darkness approaching. But I'm learning storms can actually bring change and renewal; washing away the rummage and saturating the parched areas. I am accepting that these dry bones of my heart and emotions need revived- and can only be quenched from a deluge of love and truth. So I am at times clinging to my Jesus in the storm, but I am not dancing alone in the rain. This is only a season and its alright if I am unsure of when it will end.
"After rain there's a rainbow
After a storm there's calm
After the night there's a morning,
And after an ending is a new beginning"
-Unknown
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