How appropriate for Halloween when the things that scare us come to surface and can haunt our hearts and minds. Can't out run these nightmares, as much as I've tried these last months. I am learning though that possibly their not as scary and gruesome once confronted. The ghosts of these fears simply need acknowledged; they need to be given credence so they can be laid to rest or at least continue on the journey towards closure.
Sometimes we can't help the demons that plague us. I know this. I'm not excusing hurtful actions of others because of them. I am speaking of the brokenness that exists, the old wounds received through life in this imperfect world and the choices and reactions we conjure up from them. I am currently trying to figure out how to navigate through hurt of these wounds, to seek healing and not be buried in bitterness and regret. I do not want to become a monster myself!
But I am infected...with the grief of loss. Loss of my first love, loss of many dreams that were woven together with another, loss of title and roles- left with frays and tatters of who imagined myself to be and connections and relations I no longer am sure of. And that's what it is- an infection affecting every layer of a person- mind, body, and soul. With the symptoms of anger, depression, fatigue, confusion, bitter-sweet nostalgia, and fear of the unfamiliar, they cycle and visit without due order or warning at times. Unfortunately it is not an uncommon condition this side of heaven, and I am not the first nor will be the last to experience this. Hurt people hurt people. I am trying not to perpetuate the cycle.
Discovering just how to do this, well can be a bit of a labyrinth. Each person has their own confusing twists and turns to navigate through. Me personally I've crawled, trudged, and am continuing to muddle through mine own. But I've had help- a lot of help actually. Help I had to seek, allow, and surrender to it. Beautiful people willing to come along side me and walk with me through some of the scarier parts, to encourage my heart towards hope and healing, to lift me up in prayer and love, and find faith in a graceful Creator's plan and choose to believe it all for His good. So I am still infected, but I'm beginning to not feel like my wounds are constantly gusting out. I occasionally get a skip and frolic in this crazy maze more often than not now. I'm still wounded, but I'm healing.
I still have my nightmares to put to rest. I haven't slain all the dragons...yet. I have battles ahead, but I am finally realizing I got a few victories under my belt too. I maybe a little frightened of the unknown I'm facing and I know those nightmares will raise their ugly heads at times, but I am trying to discover where they come from so I can bind-up those openings; close and bar the breaches with healing, truth and a little faith so the ghosts of the past rest in peace. So I can embrace the peace, joy and love waiting for me.
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
_Rabindranath Tagore
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Sometimes we can't help the demons that plague us. I know this. I'm not excusing hurtful actions of others because of them. I am speaking of the brokenness that exists, the old wounds received through life in this imperfect world and the choices and reactions we conjure up from them. I am currently trying to figure out how to navigate through hurt of these wounds, to seek healing and not be buried in bitterness and regret. I do not want to become a monster myself!
But I am infected...with the grief of loss. Loss of my first love, loss of many dreams that were woven together with another, loss of title and roles- left with frays and tatters of who imagined myself to be and connections and relations I no longer am sure of. And that's what it is- an infection affecting every layer of a person- mind, body, and soul. With the symptoms of anger, depression, fatigue, confusion, bitter-sweet nostalgia, and fear of the unfamiliar, they cycle and visit without due order or warning at times. Unfortunately it is not an uncommon condition this side of heaven, and I am not the first nor will be the last to experience this. Hurt people hurt people. I am trying not to perpetuate the cycle.
Discovering just how to do this, well can be a bit of a labyrinth. Each person has their own confusing twists and turns to navigate through. Me personally I've crawled, trudged, and am continuing to muddle through mine own. But I've had help- a lot of help actually. Help I had to seek, allow, and surrender to it. Beautiful people willing to come along side me and walk with me through some of the scarier parts, to encourage my heart towards hope and healing, to lift me up in prayer and love, and find faith in a graceful Creator's plan and choose to believe it all for His good. So I am still infected, but I'm beginning to not feel like my wounds are constantly gusting out. I occasionally get a skip and frolic in this crazy maze more often than not now. I'm still wounded, but I'm healing.
I still have my nightmares to put to rest. I haven't slain all the dragons...yet. I have battles ahead, but I am finally realizing I got a few victories under my belt too. I maybe a little frightened of the unknown I'm facing and I know those nightmares will raise their ugly heads at times, but I am trying to discover where they come from so I can bind-up those openings; close and bar the breaches with healing, truth and a little faith so the ghosts of the past rest in peace. So I can embrace the peace, joy and love waiting for me.
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
_Rabindranath Tagore
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
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